Particles of the Past

The past can resurface

 Creep into your disbelieving mind

Because now you see it differently

The validity of discontent

How much you truly suffered

And how far you have come

Now you see

The pain as a separate entity

An unwelcome foe from long ago

Knocking on your mind

Rattling your fortress of serenity

Trying to find a way in

The past can return

Play with your peace of mind

Because it never really goes away

It is yours to subdue and restrain

Yours to push back into the darkness

Far from your precious light

Now you see

Under the light that you have kindled

With broken sticks and broken dreams

How easily walls can fall down

Leaving you vulnerable once more

Exposing your scars

The past can sweep you away

Determined to turn you to dust

Shoving you back in the pile

Of degraded debris and dismay

Now you see

How easy it was to crumble

Because words alone can crush you to pieces

And it’s hard to get up

When you are a tiny particle

Of the past

Clemency

Stone heart, you never knew

Faultless you were in realization

Clarification, inspiration

It’s how you grew

Bleak start, without the love

Basics were all they thought you needed

Stimulation, validation

Only words heard of

Fall apart, is all you do

Methodical daze of disintegration

Inflammations, resignations

That’s what you knew

Beaten by your own recall

Pictures lie in presentation

Allegations, provocations

I believe it all

Repeat, rewind, reverse the reel

Trapped in a time of condemnation

Deprivation, hibernation

Unable to feel.

YOU ARE FORGIVEN

Recipe for Change (50 Things I’ve Learned in 50 Years….#13)

#13. Don’t look to others to change your life. It’s not going to happen. You are accountable for your own destiny. The only one that can change your situation is you.

Life is tough.

I think some people are more fortunate than others to breeze through the first half of their life, without losing  a parent or sibling, without going through a divorce, without being abused, without suffering from a serious physical or mental illness. Then there are others who have faced all of these and more.

Life is not fair.

Random things happen to random people. I think it is foolish to think that tragedy cannot strike at any moment. It can. It does. It happens  to someone somewhere in every moment. It could be me. It could be you.

So now that I’ve spewed this negativity and doom, I will follow with some hope. Hope is one thing that can always exist. No one can take it away. It is yours. No one can control it. No one can end it for you. If you take hope and mix it with a little action, it equals change. This recipe is a keeper. It can also be passed down. You demonstrate this for your children and wowsers, they will have the best formula for survival on this planet. Keeping with this analogy (humour me here), you can also stir things up that really need to be and watch your life rise to new levels.

I made the mistake of looking at where I was in my life as where I had to be. Someone had to get me out or maybe I needed to stay there. This wasn’t fair. What did I do to deserve this? Someone else had to change so that everything would be ok for me. How dare someone else try to ruin my life or leave my life. I wallowed in self pity, anger, resentment and pain. It took many years for me to realize that no one else was going to do ANYTHING of the sort. That is difficult to accept. First you are thrown this horrible fate and then you are supposed to be the one to deal with it? Seriously?

What it comes down to is that you cannot control the crazy, unpredictable, tragic, shocking things that can happen to you and no, you cannot change everything you want. Change  doesn’t bring back the loved ones you have lost from this earth. It doesn’t completely heal the scars that cover a victim of abuse or multiple abuse. Change is a place for you to go. It is anywhere else but where you are…..and  if you’re in any type of despair, then anywhere else is good.